If you are my child, you may want to skip this post. Consider yourselves warned.
As previously stated, I am a woman of excess. Sex and relationships are no exception. Adhering to our “honesty is the best policy” practice on Big Laura, I will just say that sex and relationships have been used as numbing devices, rather than as a means of connection and true intimacy. In the interest protecting the innocent, especially my children, I will spare you the sordid details.
I share the aforementioned information because on Saturday, I attended a yoga workshop led by my amazing friend Ashley and a Fort Worth based “sexologist” (who knew there was such a thing??) Dr. Celeste Holbrook. The workshop was for women only, and used yoga, writing, and guided conversation to explore our intimacy. Specifically, our sexual intimacy.
My take aways from the event?
- I arrived ONE HOUR LATE. The time of the workshop had been changed, and I had somehow missed the memo. I was really frustrated, as I hate being late. And I also felt something akin to, “well sure you missed half of the workshop, you’re just the same sexual/relationship f*ck up you’ve always been and always will be.”
- My second take away, I am so freaking loved. This is NOT an easy admission or recognition. Loved by the divine, and by my sweet and intuitive yoga family. These ladies took care of me and I quickly let my frustration go, and got to work.
- The writing prompt: RIGHT NOW, SEX IS…. I WANT MY SEX TO BE…
I’m going to go directly to my stream of consciousness writing from my little notebook I clutch so closely to my heart:
Right now sex is…numb, non-existent, I’m celibate for the first time ever.
I want my sex to be: connection, present, passion, free, real, real,real, sacred, “love”, Real. I want to be seen. Eyes wide open. I want it to be physically beautiful, I’m tired of finding my partners repulsive. I want someone who thrills my eyes, ears, tongue, nose, heart,and skin. I want and will have it all. That is what I bring to the table and that is what my partner will bring. Someone who will ADD to my joy, not try to “steal” “take” “diminish” or trample it. Men see and feel me and they want to take. take. take.
Dayum. This sh*t just got real in here. Due to the abuse, I have always had a very unique ability to disassociate from my body. Not in the “dissociative disorder” way. I don’t think the world is an illusion…more of a, “my body is the enemy, this is scary, so I’m just not going to live here for a few minutes.” This is a GREAT skill for a 7-year-old child. Not so awesome for a 45-year-old woman on a path towards JOY. Joy lives in the present moment, and if you’re not IN the moment, you can’t be IN the joy.
One technique that Tim employs himself and has outlined on his blog and in his book, The Four Hour Workweek, is:DREAMLINING. Kind of like a vision board, balance wheel, New Year’s Resolutions, and any type of goal-setting method.
I SUCK at this stuff. For the following reasons:
I think too small.
I don’t know what I want.
I don’t think I DESERVE what I want.
Messed up, right? But I don’t think I’m alone here. Whenever I was asked to “picture where I want to be in 5 years” I would kind of panic and freeze up a bit, since I had no clue. Side note…I’ve been working on this, and now I think I have a baby step of a clue. AND…I think we all deserve the best life has to offer. THE VERY BEST.
So I completed Tim’s dreamline worksheet, and set off for my first three tasks. While I’m not going to share all of my BIG dreams here, one of them was to have a kickass relationship and partnership. Not because I NEED one, but because I want one. I want to be with someone who adds to the JOY!
My first baby step towards this dream? Call a matchmaker here in Fort Worth. This is a service that offers various mixers, events, and SPEED DATING!
What I’ve tried in the past:
- I’ve done the online thing, and that has pretty much yielded moderate to disastrous results.
- I dated ONE person from work, the Judge when I was a child support officer with the OAG, and while we are still good friends and confidantes, a romantic relationship was not right or healthy.
- I have met men at bars, two or three that I actually “dated?”…and again, moderate to disastrous results.
- I’ve dated one or two cyclists whom I met when I was heavy into biking, and one has ended up being a total BFF, but no lasting romantic or intimate partnership.
- I’ve dated and married the man I met in college and church, and again…amazing friendship and mad respect and love, but not EROS.
So, I’m always preaching that if you want different results, you have to try something different. I’ve NEVER done speed dating or any type of face-to-face dating service. And here’s why it appeals somewhat.
- It takes a certain amount of cajones to do this type of activity. And mama needs a man with balls. The meek and weak need not apply.
- People who rely only on online dating, especially the “swipe” type, seem to be somewhat fearful, anonymous, and lazy. That’s just not who I want to be, and not what I’m looking for in a rockstar relationship.
- I am tired of wasting time. On cable tv, on toxic behaviors, substances, and people, and fo’sho’ tired of wasting it texting, speaking with, meeting, AND dating people who just end up not being right. I’m hopeful that a brief face to face meeting will cut through a lot of the wasted time and bullsh*t.
I share ALL of the above because after the yoga workshop, I was totally triggered. Former men seemed to resurface via text, email, whatever…and wanted to “catch up” (ie…booty call). I was so so so there. I think the universe protected me, and I ended up ALONE every single night this weekend. HOORAY. OK, Rusty the weenie dog was here, but he’s totally on the safe list.
Finally, my last shameful admission? I spent the better part of 2 hours last night exploring the joy-sucking app that is TINDER. Oh the swiping and inauthentic bite-size messaging I engaged in. I just don’t think meaningful communication can happen via thumbs. Two hours of my life, heart, soul, and energy I will never get back.
What have we learned?
Online dating and matchmaking has NOT been historically awesome for me.
I don’t want to waste time or energy.
So why did I even mess around with the Tinder nonsense ? I think I felt lonely, and possibly wanted reassurance and validation of my “worthiness”. This again, is total BULLSHIT. None of the people on Tinder are on my LIST. Therefore, their opinions, GOOD OR BAD, POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE, do not matter. They just don’t. And I’m really trying to find love and healing from within. External sources are fleeting and typically ingenuine.
OH, and goofing off like this totally messed with my sleep and intermittent fasting, another reason it’s got to go.
FINALLY, a question. What does your ideal partnership/relationship/intimate life look like? And what are you going to do to get moving towards that reality?
Expect to see a report on SPEED DATING sometime after the New Year.
Light and Love,