Drinking is not the problem. Over eating or eating toxic foods is not the problem. Engaging in damaging behaviors is not the problem. These are all symptoms of the problem.
My list. My list is worried. Concerned. Maybe even embarrassed? I don know that one for sure. But the list is worried the blog is too transparent. I’ve done the secret thing, and it didn’t work out. Transparency, honesty, and authenticity seemed to be a better way. But it’s scary. And some conversations lately make me feel very alone. So we have scared, and we have alone. Not a great combination.
Historically, when I feel scared and alone, I tend to engage in problematic behavior. Today, it has been mass quantities of sugar, chocolate and cheese. Which may not seem like a big deal, and it probably isn’t, for one day. Or even one hour. Just feels “bad”. For lack of a better word. And I also know that cheese and sugar aren’t as exciting as promiscuous sexy behavior, but cheese and sugar are all y’all are getting today. I haven’t consumed this stuff since May. And I know it contributes to my depression and mental illness.
So, scared and alone are the problem. Eating, drinking and fucking are not the solutions. I’m too tired to look for a solution today. But there is always tomorrow.