Go Big or Go Home

“If you are a dreamer come in.
If you are a dreamer a wisher a liar
A hoper a pray-er a magic-bean-buyer
If you’re a pretender come sit by my fire
For we have some flax golden tales to spin
Come in!
Come in!”

Shel Silverstein

I have always had dreams.  Some big, some small, some out loud, some buried so deep within my heart and soul that even I couldn’t see or express them clearly.

With dreams, come people who stomp on dreams.  People who are afraid.  Afraid of you, afraid for you, and just afraid.  They call themselves “realists”.

Dreams are scary.  What if you try and fail?  What if you look stupid?  What if you waste time and money and energy? When you really give something your all, and you completely face plant, it hurts.  It sucks.  And it is painful for those who love you to watch you hurt and suck.

I think I understand this.  I really do.  At the same time, it is a difficult concept for me to grasp, because I think the people around me can do and be anything.  Literally.  Anything.  I think the only limitations in life are the stories we tell ourselves.

One of the greatest tributes I have ever received was this Facebook post written by Dane  on Mother’s day of 2016.

My mom, Laura M. Hall, helped me make me who I am today (is that a good or bad thing?). Since a young age, she’s respected me as a person and not just as her child. She’s always had the utmost confidence (probably overconfidence) in my abilities, and while that might get annoying sometimes, it’s nice to have someone who always believes I can do anything I want. And because of that, she’s encouraged me to do things that I might have otherwise lacked motivation to do, or that I was afraid to do, or things at which I thought I would fail. She’s always been a good emotional support, during tough times and good times. I would often (and still do when I’m in Texas) lay on her bed and tell her about my life, which almost always led to some thought-provoking conversation (some that probably annoyed her). Also, she laughs about farts and bad words and stuff like that that makes most moms cringe, which was nice growing up. She didn’t really care what I did as long as I treated others with kindness (which generally worked out well for everyone except for her and Cai). I really couldn’t imagine having had any other mom (especially after seeing some crazy trailer park ones on my mission— that made me grateful real quick). So on this Mothers’ Day, I’m TRULY (that’s for you, Mom) grateful for my mom, and she’d better be grateful for me, since she knows I hate writing stuff like this on Facebook.

His words touched me for a few reasons.

  1.  He hates putting such sentiments on public display.  HATES it.  He did this on FB ONLY because I requested it.
  2. I KNOW there have been times I have really dropped the ball as a mother.  Like, really.  As in, I checked out for a few years before/during/and after the divorce.  But this young man has chosen to forgive and still sees good in me.
  3. Finally, he gets me.  He may not agree with my big dreaming personality, but he gets it.

So, tonight, I’m sad.  The people on my list have all, at one time or another, cautioned me against dreaming big.  I think this is out of concern for me, and wanting to keep me safe, but it’s difficult nonetheless.

If y’all read the Big Laura post, you know how difficult dance was for me.  I vividly remember one day after practice, I was in pain on every level, physically, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, I was just beat down and crying.  And my father said, “Laura, why don’t you just quit.”  I didn’t have an answer for him.  I just knew I couldn’t and wouldn’t quit.  Hank didn’t ask me to quit because he didn’t have faith in me, he just didn’t like to see me hurt.

I recently shared some sort of goal or dream with another person on my list, and was told perhaps I should share with someone who is more supportive.  Maybe so.  Maybe so.

I also, and perhaps this was an error in judgement, shared a big goal with someone who is not on the list, but professed to, “think the world of me, and blah blah blah.”  (he really just wants in my bed and pants)  sigh.  When I expressed my plan, I was told, “that’s a mighty bold statement.”  This was not meant as a compliment, but as in, “who the fuck are YOU to make such a statement.”  Who am I NOT to make such a statement.

So, I shall continue to dream, plan, act, grow, change.  EVEN after a painful day of faceplanting.  (gosh I ate a lot today, and my system is paying for it in every way).  And while someone who supports, encourages, and believes in my goals and dreams would be an amazing benefit in life, it is not a requirement.  I’m gonna do me, I’m gonna trust that God and the Universe have HUGE plans for me, and I’m gonna let everybody else’s voice fade a bit.  That’s hard for me.  It really is.  But oh so necessary.

Go big or go home.

Love and Light,

Big Laura

 

 

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