Well, that was a bust.

Start THREE.  I’ve started this stupid post three times.  Skip the sizzle, get to the bacon:  I still suck at men.  I’ve had two significant encounters with members of the opposite sex over the past few weeks.  Neither brought joy.  WHY am I sharing this?  These encounters cause me some discomfort and distress, and I want to turn to food.  I do NOT think I am unique.  We all hurt.  We all have pain.  I will say, overweight and obese people are very visibly wearing their pain.  You can argue all you want, that’s totally cool.  In my experience, if you are mistreating your one precious body that way, you are hurting on a deep level.  So, I address my pain in order to hopefully find some health.  And happiness?  MAYBE even joy.

Encounter number 1.  Man I used to work with, years ago when I taught aerobics.  We had always had a spark.  Had spent some time together, and had one misguided and regrettable sexual encounter long long ago.  We recently reconnected, and finally met for coffee.  A few days later, he came to the house.  The physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual connection was good.  So, I was fully present, not numbing, and I let him in.  Into my home, my body, and even a bit into my heart.    And he disappeared.  Ghosted.  On Sunday, I got this text:

“I apologize for my disappearance.  I just wanted to say I think of you often.  I find myself in a job related situation that, if I’m going to get out of it to an improved scene, I have to be fully engaged to that end.  You are more than a wonderful distraction for me…but a distraction nonetheless.  This isn’t by any means a goodbye to you…rather a  “I hope to reconnect with you when I finally reach the surface.”  I’m excited that there does seem to be a light there.”

Wow.  Just WOW.  My first response, over and over in my head, “I am so fucking stupid”.  And I responded with this.  “We won’t be reconnecting.  I can only assume you knew where you were in life before you chose to fuck me.  I was a willing participant, and I share culpability.  But I don’t have to continue down that path.”

I share this because it hurt.  I had hope.  We genuinely seemed to connect and communicate.  Apparently, this was not the case.

Following this encounter, I contacted and spent time with an old partner.  I know this person is not right for me, nor I for him, but he was comfortable and soothing, and numbing.  Not fair to either one of us.  So, for today, I will be alone.  And that’s OK, but it’s not easy.

On Sunday evening, I attended a Christmas Devotional that was broadcast at our local LDS meetinghouse.  I sat, alone, in the dark, in the back of the chapel, and I wept.  Tears over the beauty of the words and music (I do love me some Christmas)  But also at the aloneness of my life.  And in some form or another, I have almost always been this way.  I have always chosen men and relationships that are distant.  Safe.  Not fully connected.  It’s easier.  Easy is not better.  Just saying.

My kids tell me I have them and Rusty.  Which is sweet. I have many amazing friends and positive relationships.  But the unicorn eludes me.  I do not need this in order to be a fully functioning and productive human being.  But, I want it.

So what does this have to do with holistic health?  With being a size 2?  With kicking ass in life?

According to Maslow (he’s the happy man pictured at the top of the page) and Zig Ziglar (now there’s a combination I bet you didn’t see coming)  in order to be balanced, and a fully self-actualized being, sexual intimacy and partnership are on the menu.

What does this look like for you?  Do you need to take action?  I know I do.

Love and Light,

Big Laura

4 thoughts on “Well, that was a bust.

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