Fourth of July, 2005 or 6. Dane, Cai, and a few friends were going just outside of city limits in order to shoot off fireworks. Jake was, as always, ready and willing to go. (have I mentioned that my ex is the. best. dad. ever.)
I was in bed.
With a pan of brownies.***
***A BIG, cookie sheet, jelly roll size pan of brownies. Brownies that were made from a stale, low quality, and just plain nasty-ass, mix that I had purchased in a fifty pound bag and sealed in #10 cans (think the BIG coffee can size) as a part of my Mormon “food storage“. (please click on link if you want a better understanding of food storage, not bad, but the concept kind of messed with MY head.)
Bottom line, mass amounts of crap brownie mix, JUST ADD WATER, (yes, this was so high quality, that no eggs, oil, nuts, chocolate chips, or any extra yummies were needed.) JUST. ADD. WATER.
And TV. Not even a book or some insightful web browsing. Just “Independence Day” on an endless 24 hour loop. Seriously, over and over again. And I didn’t change the channel. In so many ways, I was stuck.
And my family, friends, and those who I “claimed” were most important in my life went out the door. They went to live. They went to laugh. They went. And, I stayed in bed with my brownies.
That was over 10 years ago. I mentioned this to my daughter, Cai, over this holiday season. This exact 4th of July. She exclaimed, “OH YEAH!! I remember, we went with dad and AB (initials of Dane’s buddy) and we tried to set beetles on fire!!”
- This child has been a vegetarian since age 11 (she is now 22) so why she thought it was ok to torture the poor beetles escapes me.
- She remembered. The. Exact. Day. She remembered who was there, and the experience.
- I was not part of that memory. And this was not an isolated incident.
I recently did some sort of mental/life exercise, which, among other things, asked:
What are three regrets in your life?
My first thought? I don’t HAVE regrets. I have “lessons”. (yes, I’m cool and enlightened that way). But, in the spirit of growth and self-discovery, I gave it a shot.
My greatest regret:
Wasting so much time abusing my body with food and other addictive substances/behaviors. Wasting so much time and energy hating my body. AND, checking out on LIFE (especially on my relationship with my children) as a result of this self-abuse and hatred.
The exercise continues:
What steps are you going to take in order to never feel that regret again?
I’ve already outlined a lot of the steps I’ve taken, and more are to come. (Thoughts on booze, gluten, dairy, walking, meditation, yoga, supplements, nutritional IV’s, and more all all on the horizon.)
Fast forward at least 10 years. (Apparently, I’m not as quick a study as I’d like to believe). Divorce, jobs, education, death, weddings, lap band in and out, homes, dates, men, face-planting, and healing. Finally starting to heal.
I share this photo NOT BECAUSE I’M slim. But because I’m present. My son’s wedding was a joyous and difficult day. (you can read the full story HERE.) And. I. Showed. Up. I felt all the feelings, and I was there. I marked the moment. I saw and was seen.
May it ever be so.
Light and Love,