Compassion. For. My. Body.

Oh, the things, substances, behaviors, and torture I have put my one, precious body through.

  • food.  excessive and toxic consumption
  • bulimia
  • running (excessively)
  • interval training (excessively)
  • food.  this is a big one
  • alcohol
  • sex, fucking, not intimacy or making love, but pain.  in the hope of escape.  in the hope of pleasing another.
  • sugar
  • flour
  • no sleep
  • excessive sleep
  • 100 mile bike rides, riding until I threw up off the side of the bike (and I wore this as a badge of honor)
  • carrying a man (trainer) on my back up and down stairs until I cried real tears from pain and frustration
  • pressing 400 lbs on the “sled” and puking after that as well (my body is incredibly strong, I’m a freak that way) but just because I can, doesn’t mean I should.
  • Bikram Yoga.  I’m sorry to those who love it, it was a nazi time of my life, and was not kind to MY head, heart, or body.
  • no movement at all. There have been periods in my life when I have been completely sedentary.   This is as damaging as excessive movement
  • taking all of the prescription meds (as directed.  again, just because I can, doesn’t mean I should)
  • teaching 20 aerobics classes a week, and insisting on running, riding, training in addition to these hours
  • surgeries.  liposuction, (at age 28!  gosh, I hated my thighs, no matter how thin or strong) lapband, lapband revision, lapband removal, boob job, PRK   all hurt.  they just all hurt.
  • spending 8 years of my life stretching, yearning, and never achieving the perfect split.  And suffering pain every. single. day. of my high school existence as a result of this “goal”.  YES.  Where my ass meets my upper thigh had shooting, stabbing pain every time I sat.  For four years.  But that was OK, I was the flawed one, as I couldn’t split.

If someone treated my children or my students the way I’ve treated myself, on a purely physical level, I would be appalled, angered, saddened, and intervene immediately.  But of course, that is not the case with self.

My poor little body has suffered.  By my own hand, and at the hands of others.

And yet, she continues to breathe, and move, and love, and hope, and fight another day.

I have a quote on my facebook page, “I know it hurts, do it anyway”.  This was said to me many moons ago by my best friend.  We did everything together, including some painful workouts, bike rides, rock climbs, and other painful “stuff” I’m sure I’m forgetting or blocking out.  Anyway, I would cry and he would tell me to suck it up and keep going.  Which is sometimes a good thing.  Sometimes, not.

How to find balance between stretching, reaching, growing, and challenging ourselves in a physical manner, WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY showing our bodies grace, compassion, and allowing space to just. be.

Yeah, I don’t have the answer to that one.   I do recommend this:

Breathe.

Toxins out.  (people, substances, activities)

Nurture in.  (people substances, activities)

Lather, rinse, repeat.

I also, humbly offer THIS short interview between Krista Tippitt and Matthew Sanford.  I offer no commentary, just read or listen.

Light and Love,

Big Laura

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