160. In October, I was 128. I tell myself that the numbers don’t matter, that the number on the scale is data. And that is honestly true. The number is just a symptom. The food is a symptom. The closet full of clothes that are binding and uncomfortable? A symptom. In functional medicine, the doctor is focused upon getting to the cause of disease and symptoms and treating THAT. So the question remains? What is The real problem?
Pain. I hurt. Physically, emotionally, and even spiritually, I hurt. And after some internet searching, I have determined, I am not alone.
Why the pain? Why the discomfort?
- Physical pain. Since falling in October, I’ve been hurting. Went to chiropractor, which took the pain from uncomfortable to excruciating. Physical pain, as it turns out, is exhausting.
- SO. I am in physical therapy, and allowing myself some grace and sleeping/resting more. Previously, sleeping more than 8 hours a night has been a huge indicator of depression, so, needing more sleep made me nervous.
- Emotional Pain. Dating. Men. Sex. Sexual abuse. Weight. Being told, “if you don’t lose weight, you will never get married.” Being told, “You make me do this.” when being abused. Shame. Shame over my very genetic make up. I mean, if it weren’t for the stupid XX chromosome combo, none of this would have happened, right?? These messages are strong, and as much as I have healed and progressed throughout my journey, apparently, I still have work to do. Dating and being single are huge triggers for me. And, as I am not willing to jump into a new relationship right now, I’m single!
- SO. I am adding meditation, prayer, journaling, and some highly recommended reading and ‘workbook” exercises to my life.
- I am attempting to treat myself and my body with more grace and compassion.
- I am going to blog a bit more, and numb out a bit less.
- I feel like a huge failure over my divorce and my departure from the LDS Church.
- So. I’m going to add…meditation…prayer…you get the idea. AND once again, allow for grace and compassion towards ME.
Light and Love,
BIG (BIG!) Laura