I have decided to love with abandon. Come what may. I have previously withheld. Out of tradition. Out of convention. Out of fear. Out of the need to control. Out of the need for power. Fuck that. I refuse to have my love dictated by another. Dictated by externals. My love is my own, and I give it freely. Perhaps even recklessly. If it hurts, so be it. I will feel the pain. For there is joy in just feeling.
YUP, I wrote the previous paragraph in January of 2017, and dammit, I meant it. Met Carl shortly thereafter. And, I lived true to my words. I loved him and lost myself in the process.
My hair. My body. My religion. My son. My daughter. My time. My career. My home. My spirituality. My clothing. My boots. My furniture. My pictures. My dog. My relationship with Jake. My relationship or friendship with any man. My feminist sensibilities. My Buddha statues. My neighborhood. My name. My dreams.
None were right. None were tolerated. None were accepted. And certainly, none were celebrated.
I openly admit stupidity. No excuse. I had committed to love with abandon. And I did. I just chose the wrong person, and my love…my fucking huge love…was wasted.
When Dane was about 10 years old, he scolded me for giving a homeless man money. “He’s just going to buy booze and cigs, you’re wasting your money.” For once, I may have had a wise parenting moment. I replied, “my kindness is never wasted.”
So, perhaps, my love was not wasted either. For in the process of being told that every part of me and my existence were unacceptable, I learned; until I accept, embrace and celebrate my “me-ness”, I could never expect a partner to do the same.
Some celebrations of ME involved very minor things, like cutting my hair. Some, were much more time consuming and labor intensive, like learning to LOVE me some Laura, and set boundaries in order to make sure that she is safe.
Nutshell? Love=good. Love=never wasted. I mean, if it’s good enough for JC, it’s good enough for LMH.
Matthew 22, Jesus lays down the law.
Lather, rinse repeat.
Simple, but not easy. Nothing worth doing ever is.
Light and Love,
For the curious, the original love is HERE.
AND for the really curious, love 1: Hank and Ruth is HERE.