We have established that I am a complete chicken. Everything scares me. Not much stops me. However, when the fear becomes too big (or I perceive it as too big) I use excessive substances and behaviors to take the edge off. The past few months have been a crazy adventure full of excitement, newness, fun, laughter, tears, and: FEAR.
Things I’m afraid of:
- disappointing my family
- disappointing my friends
- disappointing my employer
- disappointing my students
- disappointing my dates
- disappointing God and Mrs. God
- completely fucking up and being homeless
- being an addict
- getting fat
- living in a way that diminishes cognitive function
- loving the wrong man…again
- loving the right man, fucking it up, and ending up broken and alone…again
- getting lost, ending up in a gang/war zone, getting raped and killed
- losing connection with my children
- losing myself, AGAIN, in order to make others comfortable
- never finding balance, living in excess and numbness
So, yeah, all of the above, leave me fearful, exhausted, and engaging in numbing behaviors.
Listening to a bit of Martha Beck today, (she is a bad ass, and I have a major girl crush on her) and she advises the following:
- Do nothing. Well, that sounds easy, right? Until you try it.
“All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.”
― Blaise Pascal,
So, this morning, I sat quietly and attempted to do a 15 minute body scan meditation. While I did remain seated, my mind was about 3,408,012 places other than the top of my left foot to the tips of my right fingers. I noticed my stray thoughts, attempted an attitude of non-judgement, and went back to my breath and body.
2. Number two on Beck’s list: Do ONE thing you fear every single day. She further admonishes, ONE thing you FEAR AND LOVE. Isn’t it interesting, we stop doing things we love out of fear. Fear of hurt, judgement, looking silly, being cut off from the tribe, failure, whatever the case may be, we (I) stop living in love and joy out of fear. And that’s just pure bullshit.
For today; this blog post is my action of love and fear. My second action, living fully present. Living big and huge and present, even when it’s scary as fuck. Because, in all honesty, living a Novocain life is no life at all.
Light and love,
Big (fearful) Laura