I stole the title of this post from Brittany Spears, and in solidarity, I have half shaved my head as well.
Over the past seven days, I reconnected with an ex. We decided to try “us” SOBER. And things were good. I was cautiously optimistic. I did NOT label our time together or ask him to change his dating habits.
He freely offered up the information that he had no dates in his future (I did, but I canceled them in order to focus on him/us) He also freely offered up the fact that he deleted all online dating apps.
This is a man who has a history of emotional and verbal abuse, infidelity, and disregard for anyone but himself, but I hoped that much of that behavior was due to alcohol. I was wrong.
Tuesday, we met after work in Southlake, had dinner, and he drove me to the plex. We planned to spend the night and drive back to Southlake together in the morning. (point of this tidbit, I HAD NO CAR at the plex)
I asked for his Instacart information in order to get some snacks, and he handed me his computer. I have never done this in my life, but so many friends, acquaintances, and strangers had told me what a cheater he is, I decided to check.
Oh, how BUMBLE stung me. (You see what I did there?!!) There were over ten conversations that had taken place THAT day. Conversations setting up meetings. (he told me he was with his CEO). Conversations lying about his gym habits (they are non-existent, but on Bumble, he’s a gym rat) Conversations wishing a HOT (his words) woman were in his bed. Conversations that I finally stopped reading. I looked up, and asked why.
He turned his computer off, told me he got bored and started swiping, and left. I asked him to stay and talk, but he refused.
I had a co-worker bring me to work the next morning.
I feel so much shame. Shame over trusting someone who has proven over and over that he is not deserving of my trust. Shame over not being enough to deserve his affection. Shame Shame Shame. Shame over yet again, messing up the dating thing.
Shame is about who you are. Guilt is about what you did. So, I am trying to shift my mindset.
- Yes, I chose poorly.
- Yes, I misplaced my trust.
HOWEVER. I remained honest, authentic, sober, faithful, calm, and productive throughout the entire episode. I made a mistake, but Jeff Patton JLPTexashunter, is the one who is worthy of SHAME.