SIZE DOESN’T MATTER

Listening to some Gary Zukav.  He’s an interesting fellow, and from what I can gather, he has experienced skillful growth and learned some, in my opinion, valuable lessons over the course of his life.

  1.  Don’t be an ass.
  2. It is helpful to determine if desires, goals and passions coming from a place of love or fear.
  3. There’s a lot more, but these are the two I’m mentally, emotionally, and spiritually capable of processing right now.

One huge theme, goal, desire throughout my life is external physical beauty, especially thinness, as dictated by societal norms.

I have always struggled with weight, body image, body love, body hatred, body neutrality, and food.  Food.  Food.

My father had the same demons for the entire time I knew him.  Both for himself and his children.  I literally never heard him speak of my mother’s weight or body other than when he pinched her behind, which she hated, or told her (and us) she was beautiful, which she probably didn’t hate.

But wow, did he put his own body through the wringer.  And did the same to his daughters.  Or at least to me.  I do not mention this with any sort of judgement.  He did the best he could with what he had, he wanted his children to be happy, and in his mind, a trim and fit body meant happiness.

Over the course of my life, Hank and I had several conversations about my weight, and they were all from a place of fear.

I remember him sitting me down when I was 19 and I weighed about 175 pounds and wore a size 16.  I give this information purely as a point of reference.  He told me that if I didn’t lose weight, I would never find a husband, or if I did, he would be a jerk, like my older sister’s.  (My older sister struggled with her weight, too, and she married a man who did not treat her well).

So, in summary:  Being even slightly thick, let alone obese, equaled a solitary life and even a solitary after-life (Mormons mate for eternity).  Or, if you DID happen to snag someone to hang out with for eternity, he would pinch your nipple at family gatherings to make you whistle.  Yup, that’s the type of men that fat chicks get.  And that, my dear friends, that is fucking terrifying.

My weight (not health) goals, passions, and desires were all from a place of fear.

And as a result, I pretty much treated my body like shit.  Bulimia, binge eating, dieting, massive amounts of exercise, surgeries, MULTIPLE surgeries, and probably a bunch of horrible shit I’m blocking out.

Then my mom passed and I was introduced to the Blue Zones way of living, and my goals, passions and desires surrounding my HEALTH all shifted.  Shifted from a place of fear to a place of love.

Mostly, love for my children.  Those who know me know that I love my children with a fierceness that may be a bit atypical.  (IE.  Both of my children have expressed:  If I loved, valued, and protected myself the way I love, value and protect them, I would NEVER put up with the “manshit” that I have.   They’re not wrong.)

So, when I figured out that I had a lot LOT LLLOOOOTTT more control over how the last half of my life played out than I had previously thought, I decided to make some changes.  Not to lose weight, but to be able to protect my children from the pain and heartache that comes with watching a parent’s mental and physical health decline.

***I have a sibling that will read this and completely misunderstand my intentions here.  I am NOT blaming my parents for anything.  I am just saying that when we know better, we try and do better.  My parents were humans, just like the rest of us.  They gave their lives for their family and God, but they were not perfect.  I loved them, and continue to love and miss them.  And, I like to think they would be proud of the choices I am trying to make.

But I digress.  My desire for health has led me to eat a whole food plant based diet.  My desire for health has led me to yoga and walking.  My desire for health has me standing more than sitting.  My desire for health has me trying to consume GOOD stuff.  (That was erudite!)  My desire for health led me to an alcohol and drug (prescription!) free way of living.  I try to make positive and healing choices on a daily basis.  And damn if I’m not the smallest size I’ve ever been in my life.  And it doesn’t matter.  There, I said it.

SIZE DOESN’T MATTER

Back to Zukav.  When my life is motivated by love, love for my children and love for self, my desires and passions fell into place with relative ease.

When my life is motivated by fear, fear of being alone, fear of being “ugly”, fear of being rejected, my desires and passions caused pain and suffering.

There’s a lesson there.

Light and Love,

BL

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